My problem with boys

Fact 1:  I really, really want a male lover/boyfriend/person in my life.

Fact 2: I’m annoyingly uncomfortable when dealing with the male of the species.

I was interested in boys well before I was interested in girls.  I had my first “boyfriend” at age 5, and my crushes were all on males until HS.  And I had plenty of male friends in elementary and middle school.  But then I went to an all-girls’ HS, sang in a girls’ choir, and was very active in Girl Scouts.  I don’t even have brothers, and the cousins who I saw regularly are girls.  I literally have no guy friends from HS or college, and kept finding myself in very female work environments.  Since puberty, I have just been surrounded by women.  Which isn’t really a problem as I love women…

I just don’t get guys.  I know, I know, what is there to get, they are people, too, blah blah blah.  In a strictly professional setting I have no troubles (and sometimes work better with guys than groups of all women, since I am very action-focused and get annoyed spending all day talking about doing something instead of just doing it.)  But once there is a social aspect to things, and especially if the guy is attractive, I get all flustered and don’t know what I’m supposed to do.

I think it ties in to my fear of “doing the wrong thing.”  I know how to read women and am generally comfortable being myself around them, even women I know to be queer and therefore who might see me as a potential sexual partner.  But I don’t know how to read men at all.  I don’t know if I’m being flirted with, or if the guy is just friendly.  I don’t know how I’m coming across, which freaks me out as well.  Am I too forward or not forward enough, if it’s a guy I’m attracted to, or conversely, is my natural friendliness being taken as interest when there isn’t any?

Basically all is confusion when it comes to guys.  Life would be so much easier if I was just a lesbian.  Girls are prettier and decidedly easier for me.  But despite it all, I have a deep-seated, probably instinctual desire for a male mate.  Le sigh.


4 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by Carmen on April 21, 2010 at 1:49 pm

    I’m glad I’m not the only one in this boat.


  2. Me too! 🙂


  3. I can so identify with both not knowing how to tell when you’re being flirted with and how much easier it is with women, and I’m coming from kind of the opposite end, where I’ve been into girls longer than guys. Sadly I have nothing particularly helpful to add to that. But hey if you figure it out, let me know!


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