Boys and Girls

I may have mentioned I really don’t like labels.  They never fit right, and never really mean what you think they mean.  But for ease of use, when forced, I’ll call myself bi, or sometimes a bi-dyke, or more often just queer.  Well, the last one is probably accurate, since I am in a very non-closeted same-sex marriage, so present like a lesbian to most people.  As for the others….

It’s a little more complicated than liking both boys and girls, or even liking girls more than boys.  I like them differently.  I think, if I was being very accurate, I’d have to call myself primarily homophillic and heterosexual.

I love women.  I love being part of groups of women, I love their strength and power and their general desire to cooperate instead of compete.  I love women’s bodies and sensuality and sexuality, how they move and smell and taste.  I love their crazy, twisty, complex minds, and love it when their complexities twist with my own.  I am comfortable and content and peaceful relating to them.  They make me happy.

I want men.  It’s a gut-level, primal, fierce desire.  I want that contrast, that friction between the soft, smoothness of me and the hard, roughness of them.  I want my complex, twisty girlbrain to be overwhelmed and brought in line with the focused thoughts of a boybrain.  I want to be taken by someone who feels different from me, who is other and alien and strange.  I want to be made uncomfortable that way.  Boys turn me on and make me crazy.

Does that mean I don’t desire women, or love men?  No.  Good old responsive sexuality (and I highly recommend the whole of Emily Nagoski’s blog)  easily turns love and comfort and pleasure into desire.  (Yay for being a girl!)  And I have loved men, and I’m sure will do again.  But my wiring defaults to loving women and wanting men.

I feel extremely blessed to be in a position where I can safely experience both of those.

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One response to this post.

  1. I also resonate with the term bi-dyke. For some reason it really meshes with how I think of myself on more than one level.

    Reply

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