What a crazy dance it is….

Well, lets see.  Since I last really posted, E “got serious” (his words) with his other girlfriend who will be called W.  Due to a combination of his inability to communicate well, her unwillingness to be patient as he tried to figure out what it all means, and a mutual realization they had different views of where their relationship was going, B broke up with him in November (although it took another month for him to accept the fact).

And me?  Well, I’m still here.  For the time being.  He has said he wants, even needs, me in his life long-term, which is lovely and a sweet thing to say.  However, W wants the two of them to be in an exclusive relationship.  And E, not wanting to “make things awkward for her” (again, his words), is basically working under a DADT policy where I am concerned.  Which, while not at all ideal, could be manageable if he wasn’t spending all of every weekend and, from what I can tell, at least a couple weeknights at W’s place.  I am relegated to Sunday nights if I happen to be home and he gets back from her place at a decent hour, and occasional weeknights if my school schedule and his work schedule align, and W hasn’t made any other plans for him.

The upshot is that I see him once a week if I’m lucky, every two weeks if I’m not, and for relatively short periods of time.  Yes, they are technically overnights, but when your date starts at 8 or 9, and the alarm goes off at 6 the next morning, and you have to be actually functional the next day… It doesn’t leave a lot of time for real, deep conversation.  Especially if you’ve only been communicating by a text or two a day, there’s a lot of catching up to do.  And, of course, good sex takes time and as that is rather central to our relationship…

My powerlessness in this relationship has been pretty hard for me to handle.  I can’t see him when I want, can’t even call and talk to him because he’s always with W.  He’s made plans, then delayed or cancelled them at the last minute because of her and because he won’t tell he he has other plans.  I’ve come very close to calling the whole thing off, and told him so.  He’s been better since then about not making plans he isn’t reasonably sure he can keep, about communicating or at least giving me a heads up when he’s not going to be able to for a few days.

And I’ve altered my expectations, quite a lot.  I know, as long as W is around, we can’t be more than friends and lovers, and I think that W will be around for to foreseeable future.  So any dreams of being more than that have been shoved into the dark recesses.  Despite that, being in the relationship that we do have is good for me.  His friendship and caring and straight-out desire for me are all incredibly wonderful gifts.  And, stubborn fool that I am, I want to hold onto those for as long as I can.

Someday W will give him the ultimatum and will win.  I know that.  Not knowing when that will be is the hardest part, not knowing if our last night together was the last.  But I will keep him as long as I am allowed, and will go on loving him long after.

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