Archive for the ‘Housekeeping’ Category

Greenly Thoughts

I started a new blog this morning for the less personal side of my world.  Well, less personal in that I’m publicizing on FB and other such things.  Publicly-consumable, I suppose.  This site is still the home for my journeys in unconventional relationships, emotional upheaval, etc.  The stuff I don’t want my grandma seeing.   😀

But for musings on nature, education, religion, etc., greenlythoughts.wordpress.com is the place to go.

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About the name of my blog

In college, I was something of an obsessive Gillian Anderson fan.  My friends were even more so.  We met through a Scully fan group, and once took a road trip from Chicago to Grand Rapids so we could see where she went to HS.  Yes, we were nuts.

It also meant that we saw anything GA was in (including college shorts someone somehow got her hands on), which is how I was introduced to the best movie no one’s ever seen, Playing by Heart. The cast alone should’ve made people see it (including Sean Connery, Anthony Edwards, Gena Rowlands, Dennis Quaid, Jay Mohr, Jon Stewart, Ryan Phillipe and Angelina Jolie).  Sadly, Miramax didn’t bother promoting it and it was rather overlooked.

The movie is a look at love from just about every angle: new love, young love, strained love, long-time love, parental love, love lost and love refound.  The opening scene is a monologue by Joan, Angelina Jolie’s character, a 20ish party girl:

Joan: I have a friend, jazz musician…trumpet player, really terrific. And I go and hear him jam every month or so and he plays this piece I love, an old Chet Baker song. And he blows the same notes every time and every time it sounds so different. And we had drinks one night…when I used to drink….and I tried to tell him how that song made me feel, how the music made me feel, how his playing made me feel. And he just kept shakin’ his head and he said “Joan, you can’t talk about music! Talking about music is like dancing about architecture,” and I just said, “Well fine! Gonna get all philosophical on me, it’s just as pointless as talking about a lot of things, love for instance.” And my friend laughed and he said, “Definitely, most definitely, talking about love is like dancing about architecture.” So I don’t know, he might be right…but it ain’t gonna stop me from trying.

That says it all, I think.

The Start of Things

Where did this all start?  (Where does anything start?)

I’ve been interested in polyamory and other forms of ethical nonmonogamy about as long as I’ve been interested in sexual relationships, and definitely as long as I’ve realized my non-straightness.  From the time I was wee I had an elaborate, very fully realized fantasy life (and still do on occasion) populated with characters from books, TV and any place else I could find them.  By High School I was engaging in multiple fantasy relationships.  There seemed nothing wrong with having more than one loving or intimate relationship as long as everyone was on the same page.  But this was all theoretical, as I was too busy to contemplate dating one person, let alone more than one.

In college, thanks to the wonder of the internet, I found some of the words for what I’d dreamt about, but also came up against the stereotype of bisexuals being unable to be faithful and viewed with some amount of trepidation.  Also, I kept falling for straight girls or gay boys and obviously having no luck with either.

The summer before my senior year, I met C, a cute girl with a shaved head and the same geeky love for Buffy (and lust for Spike) as me.  What was supposed to be a summer fling turned into a year of long distance phone calls and lots of time on IM and racking up air miles visiting each other and finally moving in together after I graduated.  Two years after that, we got married in front of our families and friends.  We’ll be celebrating our 6th wedding anniversary this summer.  We’ve been role models of (mostly) monogamous bisexuals.  But that doesn’t mean my fantasies of having more than one love ever went away.

One of the things I’ve loved about my and C’s relationship from the beginning is that we have been comfortable and open discussing crushes.  There was never any of that, seemingly common, sense that we weren’t allowed to look at other people.  We also had a somewhat joking agreement that if we ever wanted to have sex with someone else that we could ask the other for written permission.  It was never put into use, and I’d been thinking about asking C if we could intentionally explore polyamory for, oh, a long time.   I finally reached the point where I felt comfortable in my reasoning to have the conversation.  And had worked up the courage.

It was, like so many things, frightening and emotional but ultimately very worth it. She said that intellectually, she had no problems with it, but was worried about some of the logistics. And in truth, I thought she would be good about it, but I’m never sure, since she can be somewhat mercurial.

So I left that conversation very happy, but I still had some lingering questions. I wasn’t sure what exactly she was comfortable with, or that she knew what I wanted and why. Because I’m really bad at getting all my points across in conversation, I wrote her a letter and just kind of laid my heart bare. OK. It was an e-mail. Which probably makes me a horrible person, but it felt the safest way at the time.

She found me and basically said “I told you to go for it, I thought we were on the same page…” We talked some more, until I was sure she was really OK with things, that we had some “ground guidelines” (the biggest of which is that my parents not find out while we’re living with them, because my mom is meddlesome).  I just don’t want to hurt her by doing something I didn’t know she wasn’t OK with.

I’ve set up a profile on OKCupid, and have started chatting with a couple people, which has been fun. I’m not sure how quickly I should jump into actually meeting/dating/whatever. On one hand, I’m still wrapping my head around just the possibility. On the other, why wait? I’m not making any life-long commitments at this point, just meeting interesting people and seeing where things go.

A Brief Introduction

I’ve found myself doing quite a bit of journaling/reflecting on things of late, and while they aren’t things I can discuss with most of the people in my life, they are things I would like feedback on.  I would also like to have everything in one handy place so I can find them when I want or need to.  The first few posts will be taken from various forums.  And then life shall happen, and lo, I shall write about it that I may understand its mysteries.