Never thought I’d be dealing with this issue, what with being married to a woman and all…

But there is a slight chance I could be pregnant.  It could be just stress on top of a slightly odd cycle this month.  And I’m still in my normal range.  If I hadn’t spent the better part of the past 4 years tracking my cycles in hopes of getting pregnant, I probably wouldn’t even notice.  But this cycle has been really, really not normal for me.  Spotting started about a week after ovulation and has kept up since.  I’m at the very top of my normal LP range.  I’ve been super tired and generally feeling just a bit off.

I let on about this to C, without getting into all the specifics.  She was not upset, really, but a bit concerned.  Which is reasonable.  And I’m trying not to make too big a deal of it in my head.  The problem is, I want it to be true.  I want this child, if it is.  It’s not exactly how I would have chosen to have it come about.  And there would be much fall out to deal with from lots of angles.

If I’m not really bleeding by the time E comes over on Thursday, I think I may have to tell him.  Which I’m not looking forward to, because while I feel morally obligated to let him know I may be pregnant, I don’t want him being all stressed over something that may turn out to be nothing.

Ugh.

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Does Not Compute

I’m all nervous energy tonight and I don’t know why.  I’m seeing him in a little over an hour, and for the past three I’ve barely been able to concentrate.  Why?  I don’t know.  Maybe because it’s spring again I’m reliving the eager excitement of last year, when everything was so new and thrilling?

You’d think 10 months in, I wouldn’t still turn into a puddle of lust-addled goo at the thought of him.  And yet, here I am.

There is a reason I’m still with him, despite his poor treatment of me at times, despite the pain of being the more emotionally invested party, despite the looming cloud that comes with knowing the end will come but not knowing when.  Logically, I should have thrown the towel in months ago, cut my losses and not looked back.  But he fried all my logic circuits long ago and my reptile brain knows what it wants.

Also:

This: http://www.afreesociety.org/critique-of-pure-relationships/

Feeling good, finally.

The past few months have been really hard.  Like, really, really, overwhelmingly hard.  School has asked more of me  than I could give and I’ve had to let some things slide that I didn’t want to.  I hate to do anything halfway, but have had to this quarter just to maintain sanity.  Finances have been extremely tight (and still are) with no relief in sight, and I’m not talking “can’t afford Starbucks” tight, but “can’t make my credit card payments” tight, and I’ve tried so hard over the past few years to get my credit into somewhat decent shape.  And my relationship with E has been rocky when I most needed it to be easy as it had been.  Thank all the powers of the multiverse that C and I have been doing really well, though I haven’t been able to spend nearly enough time with her.  I’ve been a giant ball of tension and stress since January.  It has not been pretty.

But Spring has come.  Not officially according to any calendar, but the birds agree with me and have been singing their little hearts out the past couple weeks.  Classes will be done this Friday and I will have survived them and even if I haven’t done everything in every class, I’ve done enough to pass.  C found a job and gets her first paycheck this week.  It’s not enough to take all the financial pressure off, but it helps.

And E and I are starting to feel better.  There are still questions I have for him, still things that need to be addressed.  But he said some things last night that allayed my fears of being unimportant to him, of just being a convenient warm body.  That he said them not in response to my request for reassurance but just in conversation makes me trust the truth in them.

I’ve also come to a clearer view of what our relationship can and should be, and what it shouldn’t be.  He will never be a partner in the way C is.  And that’s fine.  And I’m not just saying that to convince myself of the fact.  I see that I wouldn’t want that with him for a variety of reasons.  That doesn’t mean I don’t love and care for him, and certainly doesn’t diminish my attraction to him.  And this is why this open/poly thing is so beautiful: I don’t have to lose a dear lover just because we’ll never “settle down” together.

So, yes.  I’m feeling better.  It has been a dark winter, but the sun is lingering longer, the flowers have started to bloom, and trees are budding.  And despite the difficulty of the past few months, life is pretty damn beautiful.

What a crazy dance it is….

Well, lets see.  Since I last really posted, E “got serious” (his words) with his other girlfriend who will be called W.  Due to a combination of his inability to communicate well, her unwillingness to be patient as he tried to figure out what it all means, and a mutual realization they had different views of where their relationship was going, B broke up with him in November (although it took another month for him to accept the fact).

And me?  Well, I’m still here.  For the time being.  He has said he wants, even needs, me in his life long-term, which is lovely and a sweet thing to say.  However, W wants the two of them to be in an exclusive relationship.  And E, not wanting to “make things awkward for her” (again, his words), is basically working under a DADT policy where I am concerned.  Which, while not at all ideal, could be manageable if he wasn’t spending all of every weekend and, from what I can tell, at least a couple weeknights at W’s place.  I am relegated to Sunday nights if I happen to be home and he gets back from her place at a decent hour, and occasional weeknights if my school schedule and his work schedule align, and W hasn’t made any other plans for him.

The upshot is that I see him once a week if I’m lucky, every two weeks if I’m not, and for relatively short periods of time.  Yes, they are technically overnights, but when your date starts at 8 or 9, and the alarm goes off at 6 the next morning, and you have to be actually functional the next day… It doesn’t leave a lot of time for real, deep conversation.  Especially if you’ve only been communicating by a text or two a day, there’s a lot of catching up to do.  And, of course, good sex takes time and as that is rather central to our relationship…

My powerlessness in this relationship has been pretty hard for me to handle.  I can’t see him when I want, can’t even call and talk to him because he’s always with W.  He’s made plans, then delayed or cancelled them at the last minute because of her and because he won’t tell he he has other plans.  I’ve come very close to calling the whole thing off, and told him so.  He’s been better since then about not making plans he isn’t reasonably sure he can keep, about communicating or at least giving me a heads up when he’s not going to be able to for a few days.

And I’ve altered my expectations, quite a lot.  I know, as long as W is around, we can’t be more than friends and lovers, and I think that W will be around for to foreseeable future.  So any dreams of being more than that have been shoved into the dark recesses.  Despite that, being in the relationship that we do have is good for me.  His friendship and caring and straight-out desire for me are all incredibly wonderful gifts.  And, stubborn fool that I am, I want to hold onto those for as long as I can.

Someday W will give him the ultimatum and will win.  I know that.  Not knowing when that will be is the hardest part, not knowing if our last night together was the last.  But I will keep him as long as I am allowed, and will go on loving him long after.

Radio Silence

I’m off to my summer job tomorrow.  It’s good, I think, to take some time away from the internetz every now and then, and this will be mine.  Be back in a couple months!

I hate hospitals

C had fairly major knee surgery yesterday.  The procedure took six hours, and we were at the hospital for nine.  B came to visit me for a bit toward the end of the surgery time, which was good, and E called her while she was there and talked to me for a bit, which was better.

I want to tell him how good it was to talk to him yesterday, to just hear his voice.  Even if that probably didn’t come across in the briefness of our conversation, dealing as I was with B standing RIGHT THERE, and me being me and not being entirely comfortable showing such emotions in front nearly everyone.

I’ve learned to maintain an even keel, so to speak, after years of bothering people when I’d cry over stuff.  It’s not that I don’t show any emotions, it’s just that I control what I display and am very good at maintaining appearances. It’s why I’m so good at remaining pleasant all day in customer service jobs, how I stay neutral when mediating disputes, and how I can be unendingly enthusiastic when working with kids.  And when everyone else is worrying, I must stay calm and be reassuring.

I really wanted to tell him how much I wished he could be there.  That I needed to be held and have someone tell me what I’d been telling everyone else all day: that it was all going to be fine.  That I needed someone I didn’t have to be so strong and steady and rock-like for, just for a moment.  And that I feel close enough to him for him to be that person, because I trust him with my heart.  Which is not a trust I give lightly.

Which is really saying that I love him.  And which I’m smart enough to not outright say at this juncture, but still have a desire to show.

I don’t know if I’ll manage to see him again before I leave for the summer.  I’m hoping, but there is little available time and too much that needs tending to.  My heart already aches for missing him.