Posts Tagged ‘cuddling’

How can I keep from singing?

It’s been an altogether lovely day. Sitting in church this morning, sharing mischievous glances with my lover’s girlfriend, I was filled with joy and love for the world.  C and I had a bit of a tiff, but made up over rummy, cuddles, and Twenty Questions, then made dinner for the family.  Now I’m home from a wonderful if too brief evening with E.  I need to come up with a cover story so I can stay the night with E sometime soon.  It’s hard to leave.  But knowing that C will be there when I get home is wonderful.

I’ve had one of the hymns we sang this morning in my head all day.  It’s one of my favorites.  Lyrics were originally by Robert Lowry, but have been UUized…

My life flows on in endless song
Above earth’s lamentation.
I hear the real though far-off hymn
That hails a new creation.
Through all the tumult and the strife,
I hear the music ringing.
It sounds an echo in my soul.
How can I keep from singing?

What though the tempest ’round me roars,
I hear the truth, it liveth.
What though the darkness ’round me close,
Songs in the night it giveth.
No storm can shake my inmost calm
While to that rock I’m clinging.
Since love prevails in heaven and earth
How can I keep from singing?


Unacknowledged Poly?

Is it possible to be in a poly relationship and not know it?  Because I think that’s what happened to me.

Back before C and I were married and for the year or so after, we had a good friend, T. We first met him when he was a overly-smart 16 y.o. kid attending college with another of our friends. Eventually he and C became good friends and were in several classes together, and even lived with us for a while (and was the best housemate we’ve had).

Well, C & T became somewhat more than friends.  Their relationship wasn’t sexual, exactly, or romantic in the sense of wooing or dating, but it was very erotically charged and very emotionally intense.  I remember feeling neglected as C shared more emotional and sexual energy with him than with me (all while I was trying to plan our wedding and find a job), but never really jealous.  I didn’t want to take away what they had, because it made the girl I loved happy.  I just wanted them to admit what was going on go I would have some framework to make my needs known!  I also wanted to be a part of it, as I was becoming more and more attracted and attached to T myself.  C finally talked to me about her feelings/desires for T because she felt guilty about it, and as much as I told her that a) I already knew and b) it was really OK, I think she still felt guilty.

We wound up spending quite a bit of time together as a group, with lots of late nights talking about nothing and cuddling under blankets, and it was really lovely, and something I still really miss.  We did finally all have sex one night (something C & I had fantasied about, and she’d mentioned to him), which was fun if a bit awkward, as neither C nor I really knew what to do with “boy bits” and T wasn’t all that much better with “girl bits” and it was all rather spur of the moment.  But shortly after that, they both graduated and we all moved to different parts of the country.

He’s still family to us, and we both still have a lot of love for him.  It’s pretty much impossible, but if he were ever to ask, he’d be warmly welcomed into our life and bed.  And I wish there was a way to tell him that without seeming creepy.

It’s nice, after doing some reading, to be able to look back at that relationship and have some words for what I felt, and to know that I’m not the only person who has had those feelings or those desires.  It’s also nice to have realized I have “proof of concept”, so to speak, in poly love, even if it was very confused at the time.