I love my parents

After many, many months of meaning to do it, I finally can out to my parents as poly.  Well, I didn’t use the word poly, but described, in a letter, my open marriage with C and my growing relationship with E.  I sent it by e-mail, and then promptly went to do volunteer work to keep me from worrying too much.

At the end of my volunteer shift, I got this e-mail from my mom.

I have no problem with this not am I shocked. I see it as a way to maybe have a grandchild.  C should not worry about what we would think.  If it is ok with her, ok with you ,you are practicing safe sex, (i.e. no STD’s) and it enhances your marriage and your happiness go for it.  You can discuss this with either one of us.  We would not have a problem. I’d just talk to dad.   He will be glad you are happy!!

Invite him over for Sunday dinner- we would like to meet someone who is important to you.

So I think the most amusing part of all of this, aside from my parents being awesome and non-judgemental and cool, is Mom immediately thinking of her potential future grand babies.  (Of course, she’s not as bad as C’s mom, who’s been asking about babies since we first moved in together when C was 19, so both too young for babies and LACKING IN SPERM.)

Dad was totally cool with it, too.  And when I told E that I’d told my folks and he’d been invited to dinner, he said he’d need to pick out his bow tie (I think because bow ties are cool).  Because he is also awesome.

So much worry is gone now.  No more giving half truths or outright lies to the parents about where I’m going, no more trying to find a place out of earshot to have phone conversations.  And C is not longer worrying about what will happen when my parents find out.

Happiness!

❤

18 months

Tomorrow marks a year and a half of this crazy relationship thing with E.  It’s not the sort of thing he’ll remember, and I wouldn’t expect him to.  But I mark it for my own memories, and take a moment to pause an reflect on what I have learned in the past year and a half because I have known him.

I can say the things that matter – hard things, scary things, true things – and the world will not collapse.  Even when I say them knowing they will hurt someone I love.

I can ask for what I want, and I can live with the consequences whether I get it or not.

I can have the kind of sexual connection I dreamed of as a teen, and the friendly, loving relationship I want as an adult, and they can be the same thing.

Domesticity is not a prerequisite for a deep, meaningful relationship.

I can support someone and love them deeply without having to carry their burdens for them.

Boys ARE different, and a little odd, but that can be a wonderful thing.

I am loved, beyond expectations, and by so many.

Not poly after all?

I would consider myself and my relationships polyamorous.  Others, however, apparently would not.  They would say that I am improperly defining the word and thus diluting its power.

Alan at Poly in the Media writes:

We risk losing our defining word, one that refers to something different: the radical subset of non-monogamy that’s open to good heart connections all around among three or more people. Even if those connections are merely good will and caring behavior among friendly acquaintances.

The problem is this:  While C and E fall in the “good heart connections all around” category, W and I most definitely do not.  We’ve never met, and she is still looking for an exclusive relationship with E (which he doesn’t really want, but I think he’s afraid that actually telling her that will lead her to end things).  While I am more than open to having a “friendly acquaintanceship” with her, she is not.   So I guess that makes this NOT POLY.

Why, then, do I want to claim the poly label?  Because it is truly the best fit both for my relationship and for me individually.  I suppose I could grab the “openly non-monogamous,” but that implies more sex and less relationship than I currently enjoy and strive to maintain.  And poly by the above definition is what I want to have.  It’s just not exactly what I have at the moment.

What’s a girl to do? I work very hard to have the most open, connected, mutually-caring relationships I can.  But it is not appropriate for me to dictate the terms of someone else’s relationships.  That would not be in the spirit of poly at all.  Therefore, I cannot control how my metamour interacts with me under the terms of a relationship I am not part of.  Strict poly ethics would say that, if I cannot have friendly, open relations with my partner’s partner, I should call it off.  That that is not poly at best, cheating at worst, and cheating is not to be tolerated.  I don’t like it and would like it to be different, but I am not about to throw away a relationship that is good in most every other way for the sake of strict adherence to a definition.

Poly ethics are like any ethics. (I’ve been reading a variety of ethical writings for class recently.)  Too much righteousness is obnoxious and unrealistic.  The world is full of imperfect people, imperfect relationships.  If it didn’t, there would be no need for ethics in the first place.  Intent has to count for something in a world of openness and freedom, because in such a world, a person can choose not to interact.

I think I need to tell him

that I want to have his babies.  Not right now, cause I’m still in school and C is still unemployed and we’re still living with my folks….  But maybe in the next year or so.

This isn’t a whim, or a new thought.  It’s one I’ve had for over a year, and vaguely since before I actually met him (when I was still actively trying with frozen sperm and wondering where I could find fresh).  And it’s grown from him ticking the sperm donor checklist almost perfectly, to really thinking he’d be someone I’d want to have around to help raise the kid.  He’d be a great dad.

One of the things he seems to like most about his relationship with W is that she has kids.  He likes being a dad.  He’s managed not to produce any offspring of his own thus far, and doesn’t think he ever will, so being with someone with kids gets him an instant family.

I don’t know.  Maybe it’s manipulative of me.  But if it’s family he wants, I think I owe it to him to let him know that W isn’t his only option.  I am afraid that it might change our relationship in some unexpected way, but I think I’d want all that information when contemplating whether or not to stay with someone.

Normal life doesn’t prepare you for this…

E texted me a few days ago at 12:30 AM from his vacation with W.  (He pretty much never texts after, say, 10.)  Seems some previously simmering issues came to a head, and they are “taking a break.”*  Now, this vacation is a plane ride away from here, and they weren’t coming back till today, and for various reasons, neither of them could leave early.  So I’m not exactly sure how you “take a break” from your relationship while on a vacation with the person, but there it is.

But now I’m trying to figure out how to be supportive of him while he deals with the potential ending of what was a really important relationship to him but which was always threatening to me.  (She was never really OK with him having other relationships.)

And there’s also the reality that, if they don’t get back together, I will be his only relationship for the first time.  I’m not gonna lie, it’s kind of an exciting possibility for me.  I’ve wished for more of his time for as long as we’ve been together.  (Part of the limit of time was due to my schedule and circumstance, but a large part of it was due to his commitments to W.)  Basically, this may be a chance for us to renegotiate our relationship.  Or, truthfully, negotiate it in the first place, as we’ve never truly outlined what we are and what we expect from each other.

But all that means I’m not in the least committed to him staying with W, and I’m not fully comfortable with that.  Most of me wants him to make the decision that’s best for him, but there’s a petty little part that really wants that decision to to be to stay split from W.

I’ll be seeing him tomorrow.  We’ll see how it goes.

 

*I had to have a friend explain the concept of “taking a break” from a relationship.  She said it was breaking up when you’re too much of a coward to actually call it off.  This sounds about right.

Adorable…

E called while I was out with C and a friend.  We chatted for a few minutes about his work, the (lack of) contents of his fridge, traded I-love-yous, and said good bye.   After I hung up, I got twin “aww” looks from C and my friend.

E and I have only recently reached the I-Love-you stage, just since right before I left for the summer. (Love me, put up with me running away for 2 months a year to play in the woods.)  It’s been interesting to see how our emotional involvement has increased over the past couple months, even with very limited contact.  Absence makes the heart grow fonder and all that, I suppose.  It gave us both a chance to see how different life is without each other, and he’s been very open about how I am a very needed positive factor in his life.  And I rather feel the same way.  It’s all rather…sweet.  We’ve reached that point.  I like it.

When C and I got home, my conversation with E came up.  She pulled me into a hug and said it was adorable.  And that she liked that I was happy.  She was genuinely pleased.  It made me love her even more (if that’s possible).

It is a good life I have.

Feeling good, finally.

The past few months have been really hard.  Like, really, really, overwhelmingly hard.  School has asked more of me  than I could give and I’ve had to let some things slide that I didn’t want to.  I hate to do anything halfway, but have had to this quarter just to maintain sanity.  Finances have been extremely tight (and still are) with no relief in sight, and I’m not talking “can’t afford Starbucks” tight, but “can’t make my credit card payments” tight, and I’ve tried so hard over the past few years to get my credit into somewhat decent shape.  And my relationship with E has been rocky when I most needed it to be easy as it had been.  Thank all the powers of the multiverse that C and I have been doing really well, though I haven’t been able to spend nearly enough time with her.  I’ve been a giant ball of tension and stress since January.  It has not been pretty.

But Spring has come.  Not officially according to any calendar, but the birds agree with me and have been singing their little hearts out the past couple weeks.  Classes will be done this Friday and I will have survived them and even if I haven’t done everything in every class, I’ve done enough to pass.  C found a job and gets her first paycheck this week.  It’s not enough to take all the financial pressure off, but it helps.

And E and I are starting to feel better.  There are still questions I have for him, still things that need to be addressed.  But he said some things last night that allayed my fears of being unimportant to him, of just being a convenient warm body.  That he said them not in response to my request for reassurance but just in conversation makes me trust the truth in them.

I’ve also come to a clearer view of what our relationship can and should be, and what it shouldn’t be.  He will never be a partner in the way C is.  And that’s fine.  And I’m not just saying that to convince myself of the fact.  I see that I wouldn’t want that with him for a variety of reasons.  That doesn’t mean I don’t love and care for him, and certainly doesn’t diminish my attraction to him.  And this is why this open/poly thing is so beautiful: I don’t have to lose a dear lover just because we’ll never “settle down” together.

So, yes.  I’m feeling better.  It has been a dark winter, but the sun is lingering longer, the flowers have started to bloom, and trees are budding.  And despite the difficulty of the past few months, life is pretty damn beautiful.

I hate hospitals

C had fairly major knee surgery yesterday.  The procedure took six hours, and we were at the hospital for nine.  B came to visit me for a bit toward the end of the surgery time, which was good, and E called her while she was there and talked to me for a bit, which was better.

I want to tell him how good it was to talk to him yesterday, to just hear his voice.  Even if that probably didn’t come across in the briefness of our conversation, dealing as I was with B standing RIGHT THERE, and me being me and not being entirely comfortable showing such emotions in front nearly everyone.

I’ve learned to maintain an even keel, so to speak, after years of bothering people when I’d cry over stuff.  It’s not that I don’t show any emotions, it’s just that I control what I display and am very good at maintaining appearances. It’s why I’m so good at remaining pleasant all day in customer service jobs, how I stay neutral when mediating disputes, and how I can be unendingly enthusiastic when working with kids.  And when everyone else is worrying, I must stay calm and be reassuring.

I really wanted to tell him how much I wished he could be there.  That I needed to be held and have someone tell me what I’d been telling everyone else all day: that it was all going to be fine.  That I needed someone I didn’t have to be so strong and steady and rock-like for, just for a moment.  And that I feel close enough to him for him to be that person, because I trust him with my heart.  Which is not a trust I give lightly.

Which is really saying that I love him.  And which I’m smart enough to not outright say at this juncture, but still have a desire to show.

I don’t know if I’ll manage to see him again before I leave for the summer.  I’m hoping, but there is little available time and too much that needs tending to.  My heart already aches for missing him.

On heterosexual privilege and my Aunt Mary…

My Aunt Maryis a lovely woman. Caring and kind, she pretty much raised her brother’s kids after their mom developed MS when we were in grade school. She makes the world’s best caramel corn, and even though I have the recipe, it’s never the same. I know she loves me very much. She is also a born-again evangelical Xian, convinced I am going to Hell for being A Lesbian. This concerns her greatly.

I have been extremely fortunate. My family loves C, and her family loves me. Even Aunt Mary likes her as a person. It’s just our relationship she disapproves of. And really, we have faced very little in the way of prejudice. The only outright gay-bashing we’ve endured happened on our second date, when walking around town, a couple of guys yelled at us from their car. I don’t even remember what they said, probably called us “fucking dykes” or the like before driving off. We pretty much laughed it off, being surprised that they’d managed to figure out in the dark that C was a girl. We’ve intentionally lived in blue states, and in urban areas of those states, where even if you don’t approve, you’re expected to keep that fact to yourself, or at least not be outright hostile.

Because we generally feel safe, C and I have never really shied away from showing affection in public. We hold hands, hug, kiss, and basically act like people who love each other. I’m not a big flag-waving activist, but I see it as a daily political statement. I didn’t realize how affected I actually was by gay prejudice or the fear of homophobia (homophobiaphobia?) until I started going out with E. If we’re holding hands or sharing a kiss, I’m not worried that someone will decide we’re offending their sense of morality and yell at us, or worse. I don’t find myself tempering my actions based on where we might be or the demographics of who is nearby. Even people with no malicious intent look at you differently depending on the sex of your companion. For example, when E and I are out, people assume we are a couple. C and I are generally assumed to be friends or even sisters, which, while occasionally handy depending on the situation, is still annoying. And with E there are no questioning looks as people try to figure out “are they or aren’t they,” which always makes me feel like I have to respond, and my response (get closer or separate) is a silent decision to be brave and come out to a total stranger or be safe and accept the shame of denying myself and my love. It’s really of nice to just be a person for once, not a statement, and while I fully intend on enjoying the peace of that, I hope to never take that peace for granted.

There are a lot of people, and I’ll admit that I have been counted in those numbers at times, who think bi folks (women in particular) choose to settle down with opposite-sex partners so often because it is just easier to be (seen as) straight than gay. Really, the numbers don’t bear that out, since there are orders of magnitude more potential opposite-sex partners out there. There’s at least 19 straight men out there to every queer woman. What are the chances a bi girl will end up with a wife instead of a husband? But that being said, it is much easier to be straight. Your relationship is immediately validated, you can marry in any country in the world (including this one), you can have biological children, and none of your relatives will worry about your eternal soul simply because of the sex/gender of your chosen partner.

It leads me to wonder what Aunt Mary would think if she learned I had a boyfriend. She might be dismayed that I was adding insult to injury by not only flouting God’s Word™ with another woman, but ALSO fornicating with a man I was in no way married to, and never will be. Does it count as adultery if God doesn’t recognize your marriage (even though it was blessed by two different religious officials)? But I think more likely she would be relieved, and hope that it was a sign I was turning to the light. If I read the Xians right, being gay is far worse than breaking your vows. And although I have broken no vows and have the full support of my wife, there seems no room for ethical non-monogamy in the Xian dogma. Cheating, however, seems to be pretty much expected, and as long as you ask God for forgiveness, and promise never to do it again, it’s all good. And if you do it again, well just ask God to forgive you again. I can see her starting to send Christmas gifts to me and E and ignoring C even more than she does already, and telling me how nice it is that I found a good man, and will he be coming to my cousin’s wedding.

The meddling relation: that’s one heterosexual “privilege” I have no interest in gaining.

How can I keep from singing?

It’s been an altogether lovely day. Sitting in church this morning, sharing mischievous glances with my lover’s girlfriend, I was filled with joy and love for the world.  C and I had a bit of a tiff, but made up over rummy, cuddles, and Twenty Questions, then made dinner for the family.  Now I’m home from a wonderful if too brief evening with E.  I need to come up with a cover story so I can stay the night with E sometime soon.  It’s hard to leave.  But knowing that C will be there when I get home is wonderful.

I’ve had one of the hymns we sang this morning in my head all day.  It’s one of my favorites.  Lyrics were originally by Robert Lowry, but have been UUized…

My life flows on in endless song
Above earth’s lamentation.
I hear the real though far-off hymn
That hails a new creation.
Through all the tumult and the strife,
I hear the music ringing.
It sounds an echo in my soul.
How can I keep from singing?

What though the tempest ’round me roars,
I hear the truth, it liveth.
What though the darkness ’round me close,
Songs in the night it giveth.
No storm can shake my inmost calm
While to that rock I’m clinging.
Since love prevails in heaven and earth
How can I keep from singing?